The whole thing, to Priyanka

Took it to Priyanka. Not the client. The beat. I told her about the woman and the letter and the sentence about finding out the shape of a thing herself, and the half-second, and then — because I had already decided in the car park that I was going to and had not let myself reconsider on the stairs — I told her about the drawer. Out loud. To a supervisor. That I have been reading four years of bank statements for a number I would not recognise, and that I have never told him, and that I would not be able to say when it started being a habit rather than a check. She did not react in any of the ways I had rehearsed. She did not make it about the ethics of carrying it into the room, which I had a defence prepared for. She said: so you have been holding a four-year-old open loop and calling it resolved because nobody is shouting. And then she asked what I thought would have happened if I had brought this in two years ago, and I said I would not have called it anything, because two years ago it was just something I did on a Sunday. Forty minutes. We went over by six, which she never does. At the end she said the thing I knew was coming and have been outrunning since May: that this is work for my own therapy and not for supervision, and that she is not going to keep being the only room it gets said in.

That I have a name and a number and have not rung it. She said: and now I know that too. Which was not a threat and was definitely a move.