Still have not booked it

Still have not booked the appointment. The one where you go and find out whether any of this is even a conversation we get to have, or whether it is going to be harder than the default assumption. I have moved it since May. Not cancelled — never got as far as booked, so there has been nothing to cancel. Moved in the sense that it has been on a list and the list has been reordered about fifteen times. Reasons I have given myself, in order of how long each one lasted: The insurance, which I checked in June and which covers it. Waiting until after the birthday, which was a fortnight ago. Wanting to go together, which I have never once proposed to Danny. Being busy, which is true and is also true of every other thing I do manage to book. It takes about four minutes. I know it takes four minutes because I have had the page open twice. Five months of not doing a four minute thing is not a scheduling problem and I am done pretending it is. The question is what I think happens after the appointment, and I think the answer is that after the appointment the thing becomes real and timed and shared, and at the moment it is mine and theoretical, and theoretical is survivable in a way that a date on a calendar with two names on it is not.

Finding out it is going to be difficult, and then having to decide whether to do something difficult with somebody whose answer is still soon. Right now I get to believe the only obstacle is timing.