Every thread is the same thread

Could not sleep again and I think I have worked out why. If we move home because of my father, then the question about children stops being hypothetical. That is the whole reason to go. Not the only reason, but the one underneath — you do not relocate two careers to be near ageing parents in the abstract, you do it so that there are grandparents, so there is somebody to call, so that a Tuesday when something happens does not take thirteen hours. Which means the move is not a separate decision from the baby. It is the same decision wearing a coat. And the baby question is not separate from the money question, because the reason he says soon is conditions, and conditions means a margin, and a margin means the roof and Caldwell and whether two incomes with weather can hold a third person. And the money question is not separate from the Feldman year, because what I am actually asking when I ask about money is whether I will be told. Four things I have been carrying as four things. They are one thing with four faces and I have been solving them in rotation for six months, which is why each one keeps coming back looking solved.

Whether I can plan a life with somebody whose bad news arrives late. That is it. That is the whole thing, and I have written about six thousand words this year to avoid putting it in one sentence.