Caldwell paused

Caldwell paused. Not cancelled. Paused, which Danny says is completely normal for October and which I have heard before in a sentence that also contained the word paused. He is not worried. I can tell the difference between Danny not worried and Danny managing me, and this is the first one. He ate a large dinner and talked about the staircase and slept like a stone. I made a spreadsheet at eleven at night. Not the private practice one. A different one. Fixed outgoings, the mortgage, the insurance, the roof money we have put aside, my income on its own, and how many months that is if nothing else comes in. The answer is March. We are fine until March on my income alone if nothing breaks, and the roof is the thing that is already breaking, so call it January to be honest about it. Closed the laptop at half eleven and lay there. The thing I keep not saying, including in here, is that I am not frightened of being short of money. We have been short of money. I grew up in a house where my mother did the same arithmetic at the same table every January and we were fine. I am frightened of being the last to know that we are short of money, which is an entirely different fear with an entirely different cause, and I keep treating it as though it were the first one because the first one is reasonable and the second one is an accusation.

Him, obviously. And it is not fair, because he has been completely transparent for four years, and I have been treating transparency as a probationary period that I have not told him he is on. That is a horrible sentence to have written. I am going to leave it there.