Three cancellations

Three cancellations in a row this afternoon, which basically never happens. One flu, one car, one no reason given. So I had three hours. And instead of using them — notes, the reading I have been meaning to do since March, going home early and walking the dog somewhere new — I sat in the office with my phone and scrolled until the four o'clock. An hour and a half of my life that I will not get an itemised account of. Nobody's fault. Nobody even knew. I have been turning it over since. I think what happened is that unexpected empty time arrived and I could not take it. There was no one to give me permission, and I have apparently got to a place where I need permission, and in the absence of it the phone is the thing that makes the time pass without requiring me to decide anything. If a client told me this I would ask what they were afraid would happen if they just went home. And I do not know what I would answer.

Nothing. Danny would have been on site, the house would have been empty, the dog would have been thrilled. I think I would have felt like I was getting away with something, and then spent the afternoon finding a way to have earned it.